Break Free from Impostor Syndrome

Claudia Wasige
Sep 13, 2019
4 min read

I tick a box… Positive Discrimination Unmasked

My incredible little sister came to visit me this week for the first time since she moved to Ipswich to take on a summer internship with BT. She asks the most complex and layered questions and this time was no exception. Such times of discussion are the core of my passion of being a scholar. I have a few articles in the pipeline for you but let’s begin with positive discrimination.

The dictionary defines positive discrimination as:

(in the context of the allocation of resources) the practice of, or policy of favouring individuals belonging to groups, known to have been discriminated against previously.

"Claudia what do you think of positive discrimination in the workplace?"

She asked with a smirk on her face. Let me try and answer with my own experiences

Now for most of my life, I have been the ‘token’ black friend, peer and colleague. Have I benefited from positive discrimination? Certainly. I have had the privilege of being invited into lots of spaces where my physical and cultural identity was my main qualification.

I was the only ‘black’ student in the dental school from the day I started to the day I graduated. I remember meeting a PhD student in the library and feeling like I’d won the lottery. The conversation for the next 10 minutes proceeded to be:

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME? I DIDN’T REALISE THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE?!?

Turned out she was just visiting so the "blackmance" was short-lived.

Now there are different types of discrimination and positive discrimination is one of the most subtle and difficult to navigate.

Insecurity in the Benefactor

Did I just get this just because I was black? So they could tick a box?

I remember one night in 2nd year of dental school sitting with my best friend at the time and her boyfriend. We were talking about our experience of the application process to secure places in the school. Now I love both of these people, they are boss and the conversation was honest and vulnerable. The boyfriend went to a reputable private school in the city and he freely told us of how from 2nd year of high school he had been earmarked and had tailored education to best prepare him to be the ideal candidate for medical, dental or Oxbridge higher education.

Somewhere along the conversation, I remembered how a guidance teacher looked at the paperwork required for my application and said, "I’ve never seen a form like this – google it". And I did and somehow got in.

Maybe you're thinking: oh, that’s nothing. You obviously worked hard and look at everything you achieved, they were right to pick you. You're overreacting!

Your right, but also wrong. I worked hard for my grades and did do well to graduate. However, it’s a difficult feeling to describe, work, and unpack. I hadn’t heard of any of the application guidelines until 2 months before I applied; I googled my way through, faking it till I somehow made it!

Yet, here I was sitting with a person who had been prepared for over 4 years by some of the best educators in the country. Somehow, they picked me over some of his peers? Logically that really doesn't make sense. Surely they were better qualified and prepared than me. On merit, they should never have picked me. So, did they only do it because I'm black?

Is this insecurity? Yes. Where does it stem from:

Knowing that positive discrimination is a thing.
Feeling that the only reason you can access places because of a system that is designed to get people that look like you through the door.

They didn’t pick you.

They just needed someone that looked like you to fulfil a quota

Please understand that you aren’t the only one thinking this and it’s normal to go through this type of feeling. In other contexts, it’s called impostor syndrome, which in itself if crippling. Adding the layer of positive discrimination makes it even harder for people because it validates the feeling of not being good enough.

How do I DEAL?

You met the criteria to be in that space. Own it

There isn’t a bus that goes around looking for people from a particular demographic and sticking them in places of influence. I remember points where I pulled out my exam results and reading them out loud to remind myself that:

‘I am qualified. I do deserve to be here. I will make a positive impact here because I am a person of influence’

I have found that it is almost impossible to fight negative thoughts with positive thoughts. It is just too hard to sustain. However, speaking things out loud stops cascading thoughts in their tracks.

Good friends…

Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are? Yes! More than that I can show you where you are going to be.

Impostor syndrome is real. Tokenism is real.

Having people around you to remind you to calm down – you haven’t made it yet, but also remind you that you are killing is the difference between choking it and accomplishing what you set out to do. I can’t thank the people around me who have yelled at me, loved me and forced hugs on me till I started doing what I was born to do.

We need people

When did we start believing that the only way to ‘Keep it Real’ is to be a self-made man or woman?

NO ONE IS SELF MADE.

If they tell you they are, they are lying. And are a wee bit pathological. To get where you are going you will need people to pull you up and push you into your destiny. Learn to look at all open doors as blessings from God. Treat people as he would desire you to and cultivate an attitude of gratitude. You came to this world with nothing and you will leave it with nothing. So enjoy the moments you get, they are truly precious. Don’t ruin them by bringing yourself and your ego into it. Live and love like someone sent to do it.

Much love

- Claudia